When you ‘gå på tur’ (go for a hike) you always bring a Kvikk Lunsj and an orange.
And you never, EVER, allow anyone who isn’t Norwegian to call your Kvikk Lunsj a ‘Kit-Kat’.
Eat brunost. Enthuse about brunost.
Wonder why no one else eats a brown cheese made from whey that looks like brown Plasticine but tastes of caramel and sheer happiness when sliced and put on top of warm waffles that you’ve made yourself in your heart-shaped waffle iron using batter you keep in your fridge for every occasion that requires waffles.
Eat a frozen pizza called the Grandiosa. Enthuse about a frozen pizza called the Grandiosa.
The Grandiosa is the best pizza ever. Italy has nothing on the Grandiosa. Nothing.
Sweden is good for one thing – the fleske-safari (meat safari).
Meat is cheaper in Sweden, so it’s worth crossing that border for meat. And booze. And everything else. Everything is cheaper in Sweden.
Sweden will never be better than Norway at anything. Apart from the price of everything.
But of that you shall never speak openly.
(Denmark will never be better than Norway at anything. Apart from its easy availability of booze. Which you can talk about).
Wear cool genser jumpers like this.
Perfect for occasions such as being in temperatures of -20, Eurovision, fishing and crossing the border to acquire meat.
Wear the ‘bunad’ national dress as if you were born in it.
Yes, it itches, but that’s part of the charm. You’ll keep telling yourself. A lot.
If you’re well known for something, become a Norgesvenn – a famous friend of Norway.
Norgesvenner in the past included the late Roald Dahl and Leroy from Fame. Today, Linda Evans from Dynasty, Bonnie Tyler and A1 have the honour.
In the summer, partake in a ‘Grillfest’. For this you should wear a ‘Grilldress’, which is a shellsuit in bright colours.
Also required: curly hair and a fake moustache, plus socks and sandals. Harry Enfield’s Scousers are your style icons.
Celebrate Taco Friday at home. Every Friday.
Unless you’re having Grandiosa, then it’s okay not to have Tacos. TACOS!
Eat boiled sheep’s head, dried lamb sticks or cod preserved in lye.
And fermented trout – that you should also get down with.
Hyttetur. Every weekend, go to a cabin. Any cabin.
If you don’t have a cabin near a fjord, go to your garden shed, even if you live in a bedsit in Hackney. Also, on the way, make sure to repeat point 1. (If you’re in Hackney, we sell Kvikk Lunsj at ScandiKitchen.) Use motivating sentences such as ‘Ut på tur, aldri sur’ (literally: ‘out on a hike, never angry’).
Every summer, go to Syden for two weeks vacation.
This basically just means ‘The South’. Copenhagen counts. Or Oslo, if you’re from Trondheim.
Use the term ‘Utepils’, meaning ‘to sit outside and have a beer, even if the sun just came out four minutes ago’.
We do that here in the UK too, but we don’t have the word for it.
Photo Richard Sagen
Flags. Celebrate your flag, every day of the year and especially on 17th May.
On this day, purchase seven more flags to your collection. Wave them all around.
Norwegians are born with skis on their feet.
Uncomfortable for the mothers, but useful once they learn to stand up and navigate down snow covered mountains. If you can’t ski, don’t move to Norway.
Enjoy your hotdog wrapped in a potato pancake.
It’s a thing.
And finally: 17th May – ‘Syttende Mai’.
Celebrate Norway’s national day on 17th May. No exceptions.
You are proud of Norway. 17th May is the most important day of the year, better than Christmas, birthday and Eurovision put together. The Norwegian Constitution Day is a day celebrated by all Norwegians and Norgesvenner (see above).
Get up, eat Norwegian food, wear a bunad (see above), sing songs about how much you love Norway. Wave flags around a lot. Ice cream. Waffles (see above). Brown cheese (see above). Repeat. Follow with alcohol (possibly purchased in Sweden). Forget how you got home, but wake up loving Norway.
