23 ways to annoy a Scandinavian person
We’ve updated our list which now includes no fewer than 23 ways on how to annoy us. So, if you ever find the need to want to really get to one of us, this is a helpful start. Proceed with caution.
1. Sweden, Norway and Denmark, it’s all the same, right?
Not right. Different countries, cultures and languages. Yes, really, and don’t make it worse by tilting your head to one side and saying ‘oh really?!’ as if you don’t believe us.
(Finland is sometimes included, but officially, it’s not really Scandinavia).
2. Ah, you’re Dutch, are you?
When you insist that Danes are Dutch. As in: “Oh, I love Copenhagen, I always wanted to go to Holland for my holidays”.
3. Ah, you’re Swiss? Sweden, right?
No, Swedish, like ABBA and Volvos. The Swiss have cheese with big holes, an army with small knives. We have blondes and meatballs. They speak five languages, not one of which is Swedish.
4. Do you have polar bears in Oslo?
Sure thing. They also roam the streets of Copenhagen. Some of us keep them as pets, next to our penguins.
5. Scandinavian? Do you eat herring, like, all the time?
No, we mostly eat sharks and whales, covered in liquorice.
6. When you sing the Swedish Chef song from Muppets.
When you go hurdy, gurdy bork bork bork, we die a little bit inside.
7. When you kill the cheese
Seriously, it’s a cheese, it needs to be respected. Get a proper cheese slicer and do NOT make a ski slope.
8. When you say: “To be honest, you don’t LOOK Swedish/Norwegian/Danish…”
I don’t? And you don’t look English, either.
9. “Ahh, you’re Swedish? I used to have a Norwegian girlfriend once…”
Fail. Go back to start and read point one.
10. When you don’t remove your shoes before entering our house
Because we don’t like dirt being dragged all over the house. It’s the ultimate sin.
11. Refuse our offer of coffee
Hva?! Don’t you like COFFEE? Don’t you know we drink more of it than anyone else in the entire world and we don’t know what to do if you don’t want coffee?
Our bodies are full of caffeine. It’s like a Eurovision final in our veins and we’re wired, from morning to night, from drinking litres of strong filter coffee. We even drink coffee at 9:30pm.
12. When you talk to us in a queue
This applies to any queue. Queues are not places for talking, they are places for not standing next to other people. Places to pretend people do not exist. A good approximate distance of 1 ½ metres minimum either side will do.
13. When you refuse to go outside because, well, THE WEATHER!
It’s just weather. There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes. Suck it up, dress for it and get out side.
Even worse: When you claim you can’t get to work because of snow/wind/rain/leaves/sun.
14. When you say: “You’re cold? But you’re Scandinavian!”
Yes, and we feel cold. Just like you, fellow humans. Our veins are not made of ice, they are filled with hot Eurovision coffee, remember?
15. “So, what do you all get up to in the sauna, then? You’re all really NAKED?”
Yes. We don’t have an issue with nudity. It’s really just skin. The sauna is for health reasons (And also for drinking home brew aquavit, but we’ll never tell you about that).
16. “And here’s your new bathroom, the sink has separate hot and cold taps…”
We are Scandinavian: this does not please us. We cannot function with separate hot and cold taps, we grew up with mixer taps and water at nice temperature… We invented Ikea and we are the kings of common sense design in houses.
See also: Showers with no water pressure, carpets in bathrooms, cold floors…
17. “Kvikklunsj, it’s just a KitKat, right?”
Say that to a Norwegian and they are unlikely to invite you for any more hygge candle evenings up at the Hytte (cottage). KitKat is nothing like a Kvikklunsj, except that it looks the same. It’s better, far superior and the taste test has been won more times than we care to remember. Don’t go there.
Photo: The Guardian
18. When you tell us we invented Hygge and Lagom just to be cool.
Ehh… you took our words and made candles, socks and underpants out of them.
See also: People who pronounce hygge to rhyme with jiggy (you’re dead to us)
19. When you question our milk consumption
It’s perfect normal to drink a massive glass of milk with your breakfast. And dinner.
20. When you laugh at Eurovision
We know that it clearly is one of the highlights of the year – alongside Christmas and Midsummer and all our birthdays put together.
Without Eurovision, you’d have no Waterloo, no Euphoria, no nada. Don’t knock it: We gave cheese to you guys. Be grateful.
21. When you schedule a conference call in the middle of our lunch hour. Which is at 11 am.
We like to lunch between 11 am and midday. It’s a thing.
22. When you forget to listen to how we REALLY are
Why ask us ‘How are you’ when you don’t mean it? We do not understand this.
It’s simple: “How are you?” And we reply. Yes, we’re happy to tell you about our dodgy knee, our unfortunate incident at Tesco’s and anything else on our minds. Why do you give us that polite nod? If you don’t want to know, don’t ask us.
23. When you’re late.
As a general rule, Scandinavians are on time. Every time. Not early, not late but on time. Dinner invites, meetings, work: Be ON TIME.
Did we forget any? Leave your comments below.