After my success in hunting down Whigfield (we found her, she says hej), Bronte had another challenge for me. Apparently, someone wanted me to find the coolest Norse deity. “Sure,” I said. “That’s no problem. When’s my flight to Iceland booked for?”
“No,” said Bronte. “You can’t go to Iceland. You’ll just get drunk and we can’t afford to make semlor after paying your drinks bill.”
“Oh,” I replied. “OK. Well, like Whigfield, some of them are bound to be on Twitter, so I can ask them.”
Unfortunately, the Norse gods are too cool for Twitter. They communicate on another plain of existence, so until their PR gets back to me with a few quotes, I’ll just have to SCORE make it up as I go along /SCORE tell you what I know
Did you know that the gods gave us our weekdays? This is quite cool in itself. Obviously, Friday came from a female god, as you could never rely on a man to create a day that leads into the weekend. Freyja came up with Frjádagr, which we call Friday. So she’s cool. And she has a pal called Frigg, which is one of my favourite words. (Or they may have been the same god.)
Thor is obviously up there, too. Scandinavian Kitchen reckons Thor – or Þórr, more accurately – eats porridge for breakfast. Obviously, this is absurd. Thor would never be up before late afternoon after being out all night, and he’d probably prefer vodka for breakfast. Thor is a man’s god. He sorts out storms, lightning, oak trees and fertility. Basically, he’s a lover and a fighter, in a good way. This is cool. This is actually really cool, and so hot. Really, really hot.
But the coolest god of all is Freyr. He’s Freyja’s twin brother, and also takes a great interest in fertility. He likes sunlight, rain and peace. These are, of course, all wonderful things. He’s Thor without all the violence. The lover without the fighting. He’ll make you that porridge and bring it up to you with a cup of coffee, then go downstairs, wash up AND put away. Freyr also gets around in a cool fashion. He has a chariot, pulled by two boars. This is cool. He also avoids the congestion charge because no one dares to go near the boars. When he needs to go further afield, he has Skíðblaðnir, his ship. The ship goes directly to where he wants to be, over land, sea or in the air. This means that he never has to use TfL. Ever. This is cool. Even better, he doesn’t pay for on-street parking because the ship folds up into his pocket. This is really cool. Apparently, Freyr is the spiritual ancestor of the Swedish royal family. Crown Princess Victoria is cool, and now we see where she gets it from.
Here’s a little statuette of Freyr. Saucy.
So that’s the Norse gods dealt with. I’m sure the late, great Magnús Magnússon would be proud of me. I’d love to hear your own favourites – comment below, please.
Mr David Jørgensen
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